Morning, Mr. Gustafson.
I don't believe it.
You and that beautiful lady?
I am the thief of hearts. I am the gangster of love.
Tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup?
Never mind that.
Even your infantile penis jokes seem charming and witty this morning.
Okay, Lothario, we got to get to the Octoberfest to meet the kids.
I think I liked you better before you were getting any.
-Hi, dear. -Hi, dad.
What's going on?
We got a surprise.
No more surprises.
Attention!
In just 8 days...
...these two happy kids will be husband and wife!
My dear friends...
...Max and John...
...have asked me...
...Handsome Hans...
...to be their music man!
Let's celebrate the young lovers' nuptials with the Chicken Polka!
Come on, you're going to love this.
I'm in "The Twilight Zone."
Another one of your father's great ideas.
Your father booked our reception hall!
Handsome Hans will fit right in Slippery's bar!
It's a tavern.
It's a mistake.
Right. We'll get a DJ. This is crazy.
That's not what I meant.
I want to get married. But if you're not sure, tell me.
I'm just not sure.
You tell me this now?
-Our wedding's in a week! -Jacob, I love you.
-You just don't want to marry! -That's not it!
I think we should take our time!
I've been taking my time! How does waiting since the 2nd grade grab you?
Would you stop it!
It's like you are already married!
Polka!
I know what I'm talking about.
Really? Then how come you're the one that's divorced?
Honey?
-The wedding's off. -What do you mean?
We already paid for everything!
Honey? What happened?
What happened? I'll tell you.
Your daughter got cold feet.
My ass! Your son insulted her.
Everything he said was true. Maybe she can't handle the truth!
She can't? What is the truth, Max?
Her first marriage was a flop.
You know that was Mike's fault!
She couldn't keep Mike happy. How can she keep Jacob happy?
That's a lousy thing....
My daughter wouldn't marry your son if he was the last man in Wabasha.
Fine with me. I was against the whole thing from the start.
That goes double for me.
It's off!
Yes, everything is off!
The wedding is off and the friendship is off!
And the gloves are off.
Let the games begin.
Come on, baby!
Come to Papa!
Yes! That a boy!
That's it!
Oh, damn you, Goldman!
What a putz!
Here's your card.
-That's it for you? -That'll do it.
-Have a nice day, Mr. Gustafson. -Thanks. Same to you.
You dance very well.
Thank you.
I got this for you. Hope you don't mind.
It's a cubic zirconia.
Got it from the Home Shopping Network.
It's so beautiful.
Let me help you.
See how it looks. Just put that like that.
You don't like it?
No, it's beautiful. It's just....
Just what?
I don't know.
Things are moving so fast.
What's wrong with fast?
I like fast.
I didn't plan on meeting somebody like you when I came to Wabasha.
But you're happy, huh?
Yes, but that is what worries me.
What do you mean?
I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you, Max.
Okay, Slick, sharpen those claws.
Get out of there!
Holy moly.
You just...
...kissed your ninth life good-bye, Slick!
This one is very sweet.
That one, with the big tongue and brown eyes, is great.
This one?
-This one? -Yes. One eye.
No nuts.
You mean Lucky. You don't want him.
I'll take him.
Here, Lucky.
He's cute.
Good morning, Slick.
What a nice kitty-cat.
Yes, you are.
And I see you've crapped on my newspaper again.
Would you like to make a new friend this morning?
Lucky!
Kill Slick!
Everything's under control.
How do you like that, you putz?
Why you dirty...!
I'll kill you!
You ruined my refinished seats!
You broadcast my naked ass to half of Wabasha!
Big deal! Take that, you vandal!
You nearly killed my cat!
That mangy animal's been crapping on my paper for years!
Give me that pole!
That pole, huh?!
That's it.
If my dog was as ugly as you...
...I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!
That trick doesn't work.
Time out. Where are you going?
Home. You can call me when this stupid war is over!
She left me.
Are you surprised?
There we are.
So good.
Now...
...you want to put in...
...just a pinch of salt.
Damn it.
Not too much.
Yeah, now you tell me!
Not too salty.
Shut up.
There we are. Add some garnish here.
Time to check the birds.
The bird.
Fire!
I got a fire here!
Absolutely perfect. Anybody can make these. It's simple.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to cook a gourmet dinner...
...for Maria.
-Look at this. -She'll be impressed.
Tell her it's Cajun.
And what do you call this?
Haven't decided.
But I'm leaning toward "Mystery Stew."
Is that right?
Maybe you need a backup plan.
What else can you make?
-Jelly sandwiches. -Get cracking.
I used to love jelly sandwiches with peanut butter.
So did you, when you were a kid.
Go over and tell her you're sorry.
I tried to. She won't even talk to me. Not that I blame her.
You spend too much time with this Max Goldman.
I like him, mamma. A lot.
He'll break your heart, like the others.
No, this time it's different.
You said Fernando was different, and look what happened.
I was a girl, mamma!
And then there was Eduardo, the drunk.
That was a long time ago.
Marcello, the womanizer, was not that long ago.
I'm not listening.
And next came Carlo, the con man.
-Are you finished? -I wish!
But then I would be forgetting Antonio!
All five I warn you against...
...and all five you marry!
You are a good girl...
...but you are cursed in love.
That isn't true.
For once, Maria, listen to your mama.
Do you care for him?
Yes.
Then leave him be.
There's a smile on my face
For the whole human race
Almost like being in love
I've really done it this time. I've really screwed it up.
Jake and Melanie called it off.
Jake's moved in with Max, Max and I are at it again and...
...Ariel's moved back into her house with Melanie. What am I going to do?
Looks like God remembered you, Pop.
I'm sorry.
Hey, moron.
Hello, putz.
Mind if I join you?
No, help yourself.
I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
He was always fond of you.
He was a good man.
The best.
You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.
You know how I really feel about Jacob.
He's a good boy.
I just don't want him to be Ionely.
He deserves better.
He deserves Melanie.
What do you want to do now?
Want to get drunk?
Yeah.
Come on, Grandpa John, hurry.
I'm coming. But you already got enough candy in this bag...
...to give the neighborhood cavities.
What will you do to ensure that 6 months from now you feel happier...
...and more loved than you do today?
The truth is, if you don't do something...
...nothing in life will change.
Stop the insanity!
What are you feeding him?
Hormel chili.
He likes it.
Trick or treat.
Yeah, trick or treat.
I forgot. Just plain forgot.
Hiya, kids.
Here's your coaster.
And a stapler for you.
Open your bag. That's it. Good shot.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, Uncle Max.
Who's that?
-Hello, Allie. -Is Allie here? Look at you.
Let me hear a polar bear growl.
Happy Halloween there, putzo.
How'd you know it's me?
You wear the same costume every Christmas or whatever this--
Halloween.
Hey, you. How's your mom doing?
Okay. Want to come over?
Yeah, you want to go over and just say hi?
She'd probably throw me out the moment she saw me.
Max, I think I got an idea.
Trick or treat!
Hey, you!
How did we do tonight?
Uncle Max gave me a can opener and a bunch of detergent.
He did?
Yes, he did.
I'm going to bed!
Don't you want to watch the scary movie?
I said, I'm going to bed!
What has gotten into her?
You look great.
You look ridiculous.
I needed to see you again...
...to tell you how sorry I was for the way I acted.
I just thought I couldn't be happy unless we were married...
...and I realize now...
...I just want you in my life.
That's all I want.
And if we ever do get married...
...I promise...
...we'll use a professional wedding coordinator.
You look terrific.
They're watching us.
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
Let's celebrate. Beers are on me.
I'd love to, but I've got someone very special waiting for me over there.
If you had half a brain, you could have the same thing.
She dumped me!
Would you park that stupid pride of yours just once?
You might surprise yourself.
I must speak to Maria!
Put down that bat.
She don't want to see you!
I ain't leaving here until I see Maria!
At last...
...I get to whack him!
Mamma, please. Please.
Maria, we need to talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
At least give me an explanation. I think I deserve that much.
Yes, you're right.
I must tell you something.
I have been married before.
To Antonio, I know.
But also to Fernando.
And Carlo.
And Eduardo.
And Marcello.
Holy moly.
You've been married 5 times?
So, now you understand?
Mother is right.
I'm cursed in love.
Wait! Wait!
Will you wait, please?
I don't know what happened with those other guys, but...
...let me tell you something about me.
I know I'm no great prize, but I'm loyal...
...I'm honest...
...and I know how to treat a lady.
Anybody who says different doesn't know her ass from her elbow.
Look, I got a week's worth of leftovers at the house...
...so if you care to join me for some Mystery Stew and jelly sandwiches...
...I would be indeed honored.
That sounds wonderful.
You must really like jelly sandwiches.
Trés magnifique, Max.
Thank you.
We're running a little behind.
Meet you at church.
Don't be late!
Isn't that Sven over there?
What's the matter? You saw a ghost?
Biggest fish I ever seen.
Catfish Hunter, yeah.
I fought the beast...
...for an hour...
...and I had him.
Right up into the boat. And then...
...he smiled.
-Smiled? -See?
Bit the pole in half.
Holy moly.
I moved my hand at the last moment.
Judas Priest.
That was the...
...biggest damn fish that...
...I ever saw.
Don't even think of it.
My boat is beached not more than 100 yards from here.
We'll give it 10 minutes. After that, we pull anchor, go to the church.
What if today is the day, and we miss him?
Someone else could catch him!
Some stranger with our fish mounted on his wall.
It's too horrible to think about.
Let's go.
What do you mean? We still have time.
That fish'll be halfway to Redwing by now. Let's go.
5 more minutes.
We'll be late!
Weddings never start on time! What's the matter? Why are you worried?
I'm going.
You'll have to swim back. Where are you going? Don't touch my motor!
Sit down, John, for crying out loud!
5 more minutes!
Just sit there and shut up.
-Moron. -Putz.
Holy Jesus, Max.
Look, look.
Easy, easy!
Don't worry.
Look at him go.
Now he will stop.
And now I'm going to....
That's Catfish Hunter.
I think I pissed him off!
Hang on, Max, I think we're going for a ride.
Hang on.
I can't believe it's a fish.
Maybe it's not a fish!
Maybe it's something from outer space!
Keep the tip up!
-The tip is up. -Tighten the drag!
He better be dead. That's the only excuse I'm taking.
-Work him! -I'm working him, dummy!
Pump him, pump him! Tip up!
The tip is up, you idiot!
You're right, it's not an important day. No reason to be here.
Hang on.
Drop the anchor.
You cut the anchor, putz!
Then grab the net.
You cut the net, too, you dickhead! Here! Look!
Forget the net! Just give me a hand, will you?
The only thing you ever caught in your life was a virus.
Put your gloves on.
I'll show you how to do it. Here's the way you do it.
Now, watch.
Grab him!
Crime in Italy.
Holy moly! My God!
Look at this thing.
Holy moly!
Get his tail.
I got his tail!
Now!
Is that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
If I die today...
...I die a happy man.
If you die today, I'll take your motor.
Let's let him go.
Are you out of your mind?
Dad tried to catch that fish for 20 years.
Catfish Hunter deserves to be in the lake with Pop.
Gustafson, you are one sick bastard.
Good boy.
Good-bye, Catfish!
The wedding! What time is it?
We got another wedding at 3:00.
We'll make it by then. 3:00!
Get me to the church on time.
Don't sing that.
Move it!
What are you doing?
Okay, just a little bit longer.
-Just a bit longer. -I'm done.
I've played, now. How long have I played?
-See my hands? -Just keep playing.
I'll play one more time.
Wedding!
-We're here! -Wait!
Wait!
Wait, we're here!
We're here!
Why the boots?
I'll explain later.
Explain now. Where have you been? I've held this up for hours!
See what we missed?
Thank God we eloped.
You got the ring?
My son-in-law has got the face of a mackerel.
Ox.
Nag.
We are gathered here today...
...to join Maxwell Goldman...
...and Maria Sofia Colletta Ragetti...
...in holy matrimony.
Be sure to watch Lucky for us.
I'll miss that ugly mug of his.
Don't worry, you'll see him before you know it.
I'll miss your ugly mug, too.
God bless you, sir.
Let go of my hand. I'm busy.
What's that smell?
What smell?
What a moron.
What do you say we go back to my place...
...and I'll show you my spicy, peppy pepperoni?
What do you say we go back to my house...
...and I'll show you my man-sized manicotti?
Beautiful.
I'm the gangster of love.
I am the Lothario of farts.
I don't know where I am.
Get in the car, Max.
I can't. I farted and I'm afraid to move.
What the hell is her name?
Ariel?
What's her name again?
Maria.
She left me.
You're surprised?
You don't even know her name.
Hey, dickhead!
I'm stuck.
I've been to Hawaii.
Which island?
l-kinda-like-to-poke-you.
You-like-a-licky-dicky.
I'm-a-kinda-kinky.
Want-a-peek-a-pee-pee?
Some stranger could catch our fish.
Some schmuck with his fish...
...and my fish and your fish
up on the ******* wall.
I am so horrible!
Get another actor. Please.
She's nothing but...
a pig-headed Italian with....
Go one more from the top, and a little more out of breath.
If I was more out of breath, I'd be dead.
You're still a putz.
That's my line!
You will never even know it's there.
I love you.
He's a criminal!
Should the veil be up?
Ox!
Jesus Christ!
Why the **** don't you look where you're going?
Why don't you come to my place?
I'll show you my beefy bologna.
How would you like my bony macaroni?
Or my fatty Alfredo?
Or my hard salami?
I got them all.